I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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