my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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