I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
