no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
