She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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