I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I had to cum in my sink.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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