when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
