I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
