Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
