seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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