I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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