Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
