honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
