ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
