OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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