u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
