considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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