every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i out mim tonsoeep
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