Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
