Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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