gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
