Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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