FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
