I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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