My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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