I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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