true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
