Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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