i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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