I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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