He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You can't motorboat a personality
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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