He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
