Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
