I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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