your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
