Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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