I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
