Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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