I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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