She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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