She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
