I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize