also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
