so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I deserve this hangover.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
