My liver just broke up with me...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
