By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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