i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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