Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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