I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
