Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So vagazzling was a success
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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