Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
