i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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