Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
