Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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