Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
