You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
