eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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