life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
