Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
