I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
