first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
