I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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