Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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