So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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