i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
