Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
