I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
