"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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